Bright luminescent blue eyes of Dayn Schulman

Back from Santa Fe where I spent some good holiday time with family - it was a heavy trip; trying to put more of the pieces together, trying to protect them from some of the sights Caleb and I saw – the aftermath if you will. Trying to comfort Nana, trying to soothe Nana, trying to help her understand that we really will never know what happened in those final days, hours and minutes.

It‘s fucking Haunting. I find myself saying that over and over and over.
I mean really – no notice, no foreshadowing, no call saying help me I am spinning out of control.
Just the aftermath. Just the note. And now, just trying to put the jigsaw pieces together so they form something we can all hold onto.

The pictures we have and have been sent by others that loved Dayn are amazing, and yes, haunting still.
We all see that beautiful man, bright luminescent blue eyes, and the friendly and soothing face of someone who understands... I know all of you who knew Dayn can relate, and even have more ways of saying what I am trying to express. What am I trying to express? That this was a guy who everyone loved! This was a guy who exuded compassion and love. This was a guy that embraced all of us, no matter where we stood. This was a guy, up until recently, was a peaceful fun loving guy.
And then what happened? Will we ever know? No.
Can we speculate? Yes, I do. But really, in those last days, hours and minutes, we will never really know.

I ramble..I continue to be in a state of shock when I lay down in bed for the evening. I close my eyes with tears flowing towads my cheeks. I wake in the middle of the night immersed in sadness, as I am sure some of you do as well, lying there for a good 45 minutes wondering "what the F! How could this have happened? When is someone gonna tell me it was a HOAX and he is down in Costa Rica?"
I rise and go to work and deal with the stuff I am paid to do, and for most of my 8-10 hr day I can almost forget, put this tragedy in the back of my brain and answer questions about project plans, gross margins and visual design reviews. And every now and then during those working hours, I catch the photo I have up on my cubed wall, and see him again, smiling and exuding warmth, and I am soothed for that moment.

Then I get onto the train and make my way back into my reality – one that is not as bright as it was five and a half weeks ago, but I am trying. I am trying. And one day, I will get there again, back to brightness and out of the veil and fog of grief. (But I will never forget!)

Thanks for listening.
-Claude

A few pictures to share

Dayn and Barri

Dayn and Nana

Caleb, Ana, Dayn and Shannon a few years ago

I just wish he was still here...

On 11/29 I went back to Santa Cruz to pick up Dayn’s ashes. Earlier that day I went back up to his place in Bonny Doon and went into the room where he took his last breath. The rose was still on the floor that Avi had brought up the day Caleb and I were cleaning up, throwing all of the alcohol out, putting books into boxes, throwing out the filthy stuff on and on..anyhow, Avi had brought a couple yarmulkes, the Mourner’s Kaddish (the Jewish prayer for the departed) and a candle and we all stood in the spot where Avi had found Dayn and said the Kaddish.

But I digress – back to 11/29. I went into the room and spoke to Dayn again - kind of had a moment with him in that room. It was peaceful, at least better that the days before when we had been up there and the vibe was dead, cold, rank, stale, filled with a chill and emptiness. I kept remembering his note that he had left. The note that let us know that he was exhausted and ready to go. Somehow that particular piece of the note gave me acceptance that day. (I have reread the note a few times now, and I still get a level of acceptance, but I get filled with unbelievable sadness now too)

So I looked around at what remained of Dayn’s life, his belongings, and took a few things with me that I knew he would want our family to have. Dayn had so many photos – of us, of his friends and celebrations with his friends, of nature – and he had duplicates & triplicates. So I took many pictures of the family along with tiles of Mick and Keith, a tapestry, some music and a few shirts. I pilled his belongings into my car and headed down the hill into Santa Cruz, crying, chilled and knowing again, that my life would NEVER be the same.

Today I finally had the energy to get Dayn’s belongings out of my car and go through them and box them up to send to our family in Chicago and in Santa Fe. The pictures are so beautiful! He was such a Beautiful man – beyond handsome, he had such a light in his eyes. It's just unbelievable that the light has gone out.

I’ll scan some pictures in before I send them to members of our family and see if I can post them here. Also, I have a bunch of his poetry that I will post as well.

I wish we all would have been able to save him. I wish he would have let us in to his darkness…maybe he did? I just wish he was still here.

Dayn Schulman's Last Surf with Spencer and Friends

This is an email from Spencer who along with about 40 of days bros & friends paddled out on Saturday 12/02 with some of Dayn's that I shared with Spencer the day I picked them up from the funeral home. Spencer is a great guy – a true friend and was a huge rock for me and Caleb when we were in Santa Cruz the days following Dayn’s death. Thank YOU!

"First of all you need to know that both Ceremonies last week were
just perfect! The one at the Perch was just beautiful with a majestic
sunset on the horizon. Green spark as well! That was mostly Dayn's
oldest friends with a few new ones as well. Digeri Doo with Stories
of the past all beautiful and we played music and sat by the fire for
6 hours. Loved it!

The Davenport Landing was the following day, Saturday, with about 40
people. Almost everyone was equipped with a surfboard and wetsuit!
Dayn would have just loved that one. We all paddled out about 300
yards off shore, gathered in a circle and Mark from Kuai was honoring
the spirit by moving the fresh lei to the center. Damen accompanied
with ashes in hand and together they placed the ashes in the center
of the lei. Then we all stated an adjective, noun, word, that
described Dayn, his spirit or anything remotely attached to his soul.
I tell you, as I write this, it is coming to my attention the special
man he was. So much flavor! About 20 of us then paddled into the
right hand reef break there and surfed...Sweet it was.

I sure missed you and Caleb as well for it would have been real
special for you to see the love. "

Funeral Blues by W.H. Auden for Dayn Schulman

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

This journey with Grief...

"...it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again..." -Foo Fighters

Today I have been on a roller coaster with my range of feelings towards Dayn's death - towards Dayn's suicide (I HATE saying that word!). I have been upbeat, at peace, accepting his choice, even excepting the fact that none of us will never see his smile again, never pick up the phone and hear his 5 minute serenade of some ancient mystical YES song or his version of "Hello Mr. Soul", or get Punked by one of his crank calls.
I even had acceptance in my sorrow today about that longing ache that will never get filled again because he is gone. He is DEAD. He is NEVER coming BACK. I actually was ok with this and have been ok with this for a good 6-7 hrs each day for the past few days.

Today I also was PISSED - angry upset and stunned by his choice to go -how he went -and the fact tat he is GONE and NEVER coming back. I was pissed at the fact he did not ask for help did not let anyone of us know how TRULY unbearable and hopeless his life had become. I felt pity -i felt the sharp STING of a ice being thrown at my face, like the slap of a below minus wind-chill day wherever that is felt (not here is Northern California that’s for sure).

Today I felt like he could have/should have reached out – asked for help like he had in he past. Anyone of us would have been there for him. Anyone of us.

But he didn’t. He just left. He just took his life away from us, took his sweetness, took himself OUT OF OUR LIVES and bailed.

Today I have felt close to Dayn. Sitting here on this high surf advisory day, watching from my deck the strong grey waves blow up and slap the Pacifica pier, I have felt close to my cousin. I have his cd’s and have been downloading his music, chuckling as I have found artists I had no idea he listened to, and smiled to myself when I came across the 20 Live Dead Cd’s, the Santana bootlegs from 1969, the Neil Young’s and Yes Albums.

I have been listening to his music for the past 4 hrs, feeling sad but peaceful. Trying to get back to that acceptance place because I know it is the place that gives me serenity and hope that he has found his safe place – his home.

This journey with Grief is a trip through hell I tell you – a trip none of us ever need to ride but inevitability we all do at different times in our lives. It is part of the ebb and flow. But the layers I tell you, the layers of this journey and the tiny hidden feeling that guilt reveals and shares; these are intense. These shake me to my core and at those times I SO badly want him back and I want off this fucking ride through hell. But it’s a round trip ride. No getting off. No money back. No way and no how.

So I’ll I can do is share with you these feelings when I feel like I am able, when I feel like I can and deserve the right to speak about how I feel.

The wind is howling right now and the rain is about to come down, and we are in for a cleansing and a purging.

A Snipet of Lyrics Dayn Schulman Loved (send me more)

"Once in a while you get shown the light in
the strangest of places if you look at it right..." -The Dead

" Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.
Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.
'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Gazing at people,
Some hand in hand,
Just what I'm going thru
They can understand.
Some try to tell me
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be
You will be in the end,
And I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you." - Moody Blues


"And in a time that's closer, life will be even bolder then.
Love is the only answer, hate is the root of cancer then.
Truth is just for the being and is the sight for seeing then.
Thoughts will be thought together soon in our minds forever then.
As long as we see there's only us, who can change it;
Only us to rearrange it at the start of a new kind of day." - YES (Thanks Dave)

From Ryan: "He sent me these hours before he took his life...
"Visions of Johanna by Bob Dylan"

More thoughts in the wake of Dayn's death

Some of these are brain dumps, some are from emails I have written..some just help me get the energy out from being stuck to unstuck in a shared space. Thanks for listening and reading:

12/01 Early Morning email to Spencer:
" My mom has this wonderful image of you guys paddling out with dayn's ashes and he is there with you paddling but instead of arms he has huge wings..big white feathers, majestic wings and as you paddle with him he is released an flies UP to the Sky and finds his home again!"

11/30 Afternoon email to our aunt Sandy:
"...thank you so much for your email. It has been really rough for all of us and I move between being numb, being ok and being haunted.
I have worked from home all week just b/c I feel so raw.
Yesterday I was busy in santa cruz, went back to his place, picked up some things to send to you guys, and some shirts for caleb, then went and picked up the ashes and signed the death certs and closed the mailbox, bank account..on and on and on. and I felt ok, a bit off but ok b/c I had a goal and I was on a mission. Then this morning I had a kind of delayed response to yesterday and felt pretty bad. So home is a safe place, as is Stephanie and the silver/schulman family.
I feel Dayn alot and have had to ask him to go home - his energy has been really heavy and sad, almost clingy. I am sure I am not alone in feeling that. Seeing where and how he lived, chose to live was really really intense and horrifying. But alcohol and drug abuse surely lead the way to how he lived and ended his sweet life. And I have to wonder how much of his depression, saddness, hopelessness may have been masked by is substance intake.

So many people came out to the memorial it was just beautiful, and surreal as well. So many people want to figure it all out, be like CSI, have conspiracy theories, and it has been hard not to do the same b/c we want him BACK - but Caleb and I had to stand firm on our clear goals and try our best not to let that other kind of energy in. That was challenging and painful b/c bottom line is people want to figure it out. We all do. we all had either just spoke to him, or had just visited with him (Barri&Mario). We all thought he was like peter pan and would be able to be a adult/child forever..beautiful, light, irresponsible and free.
I only hope and pray that he is free now."

11/30 Morning email to Ryan:
"...you hit it so on the head for me, I too am finding Dayn to be hanging around and find his energy to be heavy, SAD and clingy. You are not sounding insane at all.
I have spoken with him in the early morning hours when I am awaken by him/spirit and told him it was time to go, but alas, this morning at 5a were were together again.
It's so tough so unimaginable at times and then some times I am ok with it, can work can stay busy..but then out of the blue it whacks me down as his face, lean strong torso walks in front of my eyes.. talk about insane..but it's part of the package, the grief, the guilt and the letting go."

"I know I am not the first person to say this, but it is not your fault, nor can you, me , all of us go back in time..even for one second, although we all would..just to have him back see his blue eyes magically shine and to say, "hey, I hear you are having a shitty time but you are not alone", or, "hang in there, I am there for you, stay with us" etc...
The bummer of it all is that is is apparent that Dayn was ready to go. Maybe that's not a bummer, maybe it just is as simple as these words: he was ready to go.
But I do know, for those of us still here, still kicking it, still trying not to numb out 24/7 because the loss is almost unbearable, for those of us it's hard to imagine anything other than what could we have done differently, what could we have said (or not said in some cases). "