On 11/29 I went back to Santa Cruz to pick up Dayn’s ashes. Earlier that day I went back up to his place in Bonny Doon and went into the room where he took his last breath. The rose was still on the floor that Avi had brought up the day Caleb and I were cleaning up, throwing all of the alcohol out, putting books into boxes, throwing out the filthy stuff on and on..anyhow, Avi had brought a couple yarmulkes, the Mourner’s Kaddish (the Jewish prayer for the departed) and a candle and we all stood in the spot where Avi had found Dayn and said the Kaddish.
But I digress – back to 11/29. I went into the room and spoke to Dayn again - kind of had a moment with him in that room. It was peaceful, at least better that the days before when we had been up there and the vibe was dead, cold, rank, stale, filled with a chill and emptiness. I kept remembering his note that he had left. The note that let us know that he was exhausted and ready to go. Somehow that particular piece of the note gave me acceptance that day. (I have reread the note a few times now, and I still get a level of acceptance, but I get filled with unbelievable sadness now too)
So I looked around at what remained of Dayn’s life, his belongings, and took a few things with me that I knew he would want our family to have. Dayn had so many photos – of us, of his friends and celebrations with his friends, of nature – and he had duplicates & triplicates. So I took many pictures of the family along with tiles of Mick and Keith, a tapestry, some music and a few shirts. I pilled his belongings into my car and headed down the hill into Santa Cruz, crying, chilled and knowing again, that my life would NEVER be the same.
Today I finally had the energy to get Dayn’s belongings out of my car and go through them and box them up to send to our family in Chicago and in Santa Fe. The pictures are so beautiful! He was such a Beautiful man – beyond handsome, he had such a light in his eyes. It's just unbelievable that the light has gone out.
I’ll scan some pictures in before I send them to members of our family and see if I can post them here. Also, I have a bunch of his poetry that I will post as well.
I wish we all would have been able to save him. I wish he would have let us in to his darkness…maybe he did? I just wish he was still here.
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