This journey with Grief...

"...it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again..." -Foo Fighters

Today I have been on a roller coaster with my range of feelings towards Dayn's death - towards Dayn's suicide (I HATE saying that word!). I have been upbeat, at peace, accepting his choice, even excepting the fact that none of us will never see his smile again, never pick up the phone and hear his 5 minute serenade of some ancient mystical YES song or his version of "Hello Mr. Soul", or get Punked by one of his crank calls.
I even had acceptance in my sorrow today about that longing ache that will never get filled again because he is gone. He is DEAD. He is NEVER coming BACK. I actually was ok with this and have been ok with this for a good 6-7 hrs each day for the past few days.

Today I also was PISSED - angry upset and stunned by his choice to go -how he went -and the fact tat he is GONE and NEVER coming back. I was pissed at the fact he did not ask for help did not let anyone of us know how TRULY unbearable and hopeless his life had become. I felt pity -i felt the sharp STING of a ice being thrown at my face, like the slap of a below minus wind-chill day wherever that is felt (not here is Northern California that’s for sure).

Today I felt like he could have/should have reached out – asked for help like he had in he past. Anyone of us would have been there for him. Anyone of us.

But he didn’t. He just left. He just took his life away from us, took his sweetness, took himself OUT OF OUR LIVES and bailed.

Today I have felt close to Dayn. Sitting here on this high surf advisory day, watching from my deck the strong grey waves blow up and slap the Pacifica pier, I have felt close to my cousin. I have his cd’s and have been downloading his music, chuckling as I have found artists I had no idea he listened to, and smiled to myself when I came across the 20 Live Dead Cd’s, the Santana bootlegs from 1969, the Neil Young’s and Yes Albums.

I have been listening to his music for the past 4 hrs, feeling sad but peaceful. Trying to get back to that acceptance place because I know it is the place that gives me serenity and hope that he has found his safe place – his home.

This journey with Grief is a trip through hell I tell you – a trip none of us ever need to ride but inevitability we all do at different times in our lives. It is part of the ebb and flow. But the layers I tell you, the layers of this journey and the tiny hidden feeling that guilt reveals and shares; these are intense. These shake me to my core and at those times I SO badly want him back and I want off this fucking ride through hell. But it’s a round trip ride. No getting off. No money back. No way and no how.

So I’ll I can do is share with you these feelings when I feel like I am able, when I feel like I can and deserve the right to speak about how I feel.

The wind is howling right now and the rain is about to come down, and we are in for a cleansing and a purging.