Some of these are brain dumps, some are from emails I have written..some just help me get the energy out from being stuck to unstuck in a shared space. Thanks for listening and reading:
12/01 Early Morning email to Spencer:
" My mom has this wonderful image of you guys paddling out with dayn's ashes and he is there with you paddling but instead of arms he has huge wings..big white feathers, majestic wings and as you paddle with him he is released an flies UP to the Sky and finds his home again!"
11/30 Afternoon email to our aunt Sandy:
"...thank you so much for your email. It has been really rough for all of us and I move between being numb, being ok and being haunted.
I have worked from home all week just b/c I feel so raw.
Yesterday I was busy in santa cruz, went back to his place, picked up some things to send to you guys, and some shirts for caleb, then went and picked up the ashes and signed the death certs and closed the mailbox, bank account..on and on and on. and I felt ok, a bit off but ok b/c I had a goal and I was on a mission. Then this morning I had a kind of delayed response to yesterday and felt pretty bad. So home is a safe place, as is Stephanie and the silver/schulman family.
I feel Dayn alot and have had to ask him to go home - his energy has been really heavy and sad, almost clingy. I am sure I am not alone in feeling that. Seeing where and how he lived, chose to live was really really intense and horrifying. But alcohol and drug abuse surely lead the way to how he lived and ended his sweet life. And I have to wonder how much of his depression, saddness, hopelessness may have been masked by is substance intake.
So many people came out to the memorial it was just beautiful, and surreal as well. So many people want to figure it all out, be like CSI, have conspiracy theories, and it has been hard not to do the same b/c we want him BACK - but Caleb and I had to stand firm on our clear goals and try our best not to let that other kind of energy in. That was challenging and painful b/c bottom line is people want to figure it out. We all do. we all had either just spoke to him, or had just visited with him (Barri&Mario). We all thought he was like peter pan and would be able to be a adult/child forever..beautiful, light, irresponsible and free.
I only hope and pray that he is free now."
11/30 Morning email to Ryan:
"...you hit it so on the head for me, I too am finding Dayn to be hanging around and find his energy to be heavy, SAD and clingy. You are not sounding insane at all.
I have spoken with him in the early morning hours when I am awaken by him/spirit and told him it was time to go, but alas, this morning at 5a were were together again.
It's so tough so unimaginable at times and then some times I am ok with it, can work can stay busy..but then out of the blue it whacks me down as his face, lean strong torso walks in front of my eyes.. talk about insane..but it's part of the package, the grief, the guilt and the letting go."
"I know I am not the first person to say this, but it is not your fault, nor can you, me , all of us go back in time..even for one second, although we all would..just to have him back see his blue eyes magically shine and to say, "hey, I hear you are having a shitty time but you are not alone", or, "hang in there, I am there for you, stay with us" etc...
The bummer of it all is that is is apparent that Dayn was ready to go. Maybe that's not a bummer, maybe it just is as simple as these words: he was ready to go.
But I do know, for those of us still here, still kicking it, still trying not to numb out 24/7 because the loss is almost unbearable, for those of us it's hard to imagine anything other than what could we have done differently, what could we have said (or not said in some cases). "