Bright luminescent blue eyes of Dayn Schulman
Back from Santa Fe where I spent some good holiday time with family - it was a heavy trip; trying to put more of the pieces together, trying to protect them from some of the sights Caleb and I saw – the aftermath if you will. Trying to comfort Nana, trying to soothe Nana, trying to help her understand that we really will never know what happened in those final days, hours and minutes.
It‘s fucking Haunting. I find myself saying that over and over and over.
I mean really – no notice, no foreshadowing, no call saying help me I am spinning out of control.
Just the aftermath. Just the note. And now, just trying to put the jigsaw pieces together so they form something we can all hold onto.
The pictures we have and have been sent by others that loved Dayn are amazing, and yes, haunting still.
We all see that beautiful man, bright luminescent blue eyes, and the friendly and soothing face of someone who understands... I know all of you who knew Dayn can relate, and even have more ways of saying what I am trying to express. What am I trying to express? That this was a guy who everyone loved! This was a guy who exuded compassion and love. This was a guy that embraced all of us, no matter where we stood. This was a guy, up until recently, was a peaceful fun loving guy.
And then what happened? Will we ever know? No.
Can we speculate? Yes, I do. But really, in those last days, hours and minutes, we will never really know.
I ramble..I continue to be in a state of shock when I lay down in bed for the evening. I close my eyes with tears flowing towads my cheeks. I wake in the middle of the night immersed in sadness, as I am sure some of you do as well, lying there for a good 45 minutes wondering "what the F! How could this have happened? When is someone gonna tell me it was a HOAX and he is down in Costa Rica?"
I rise and go to work and deal with the stuff I am paid to do, and for most of my 8-10 hr day I can almost forget, put this tragedy in the back of my brain and answer questions about project plans, gross margins and visual design reviews. And every now and then during those working hours, I catch the photo I have up on my cubed wall, and see him again, smiling and exuding warmth, and I am soothed for that moment.
Then I get onto the train and make my way back into my reality – one that is not as bright as it was five and a half weeks ago, but I am trying. I am trying. And one day, I will get there again, back to brightness and out of the veil and fog of grief. (But I will never forget!)
Thanks for listening.
-Claude
It‘s fucking Haunting. I find myself saying that over and over and over.
I mean really – no notice, no foreshadowing, no call saying help me I am spinning out of control.
Just the aftermath. Just the note. And now, just trying to put the jigsaw pieces together so they form something we can all hold onto.
The pictures we have and have been sent by others that loved Dayn are amazing, and yes, haunting still.
We all see that beautiful man, bright luminescent blue eyes, and the friendly and soothing face of someone who understands... I know all of you who knew Dayn can relate, and even have more ways of saying what I am trying to express. What am I trying to express? That this was a guy who everyone loved! This was a guy who exuded compassion and love. This was a guy that embraced all of us, no matter where we stood. This was a guy, up until recently, was a peaceful fun loving guy.
And then what happened? Will we ever know? No.
Can we speculate? Yes, I do. But really, in those last days, hours and minutes, we will never really know.
I ramble..I continue to be in a state of shock when I lay down in bed for the evening. I close my eyes with tears flowing towads my cheeks. I wake in the middle of the night immersed in sadness, as I am sure some of you do as well, lying there for a good 45 minutes wondering "what the F! How could this have happened? When is someone gonna tell me it was a HOAX and he is down in Costa Rica?"
I rise and go to work and deal with the stuff I am paid to do, and for most of my 8-10 hr day I can almost forget, put this tragedy in the back of my brain and answer questions about project plans, gross margins and visual design reviews. And every now and then during those working hours, I catch the photo I have up on my cubed wall, and see him again, smiling and exuding warmth, and I am soothed for that moment.
Then I get onto the train and make my way back into my reality – one that is not as bright as it was five and a half weeks ago, but I am trying. I am trying. And one day, I will get there again, back to brightness and out of the veil and fog of grief. (But I will never forget!)
Thanks for listening.
-Claude
posted by Coda Coach at 6:44 PM
7 Comments:
hello there CC. sorry to hear the bad news as I have only just now seen your blog. thank you for sharing this stuff with us. I have this webpage posted in my blog and I have found (what I've read of it) to be a very interesting insight into the mind of someone who is thinking of taking their own life. its a free download book. you may have heard of it. http://www.hopeline.com/6/suicide.asp
Thanks for your blog. It's hard to read sometimes - but I'm with you. Take care, now.
Happy New Year and all the best for 2007!
:-)
Peace and acceptance will find you as you keep trudging forwards , putting the pieces together when you can and knowing when you can't will just have to be also.Peace to you this New Years Eve and may you find some new found wisdom from this experience that will carry you through the new year with courage and strength.
Thank you for all you share here~
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