Some lyrics for Dayn:
"Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago" - Box of Rain
The past week and a half has been filled with deep feelings that I have tried to wash over with a numbing haze – keeping busy at work, not “getting into” my grief, not really talking about it, not feeling it. Earlier in the week I felt like I really need a good cry – a bone shaking quelling of tears, that floods my mind, body and all sensations – but alas, I could not open that door tat I had sealed with the numbing haze. A friend at work asked me how I felt last Monday and I said, “bored”. Not true and I knew it – I felt numb.
So.. bored and hazy I went into my therapy session and 50 minutes later I came out grounded, feeling emotional and feeling my feelings again of the great loss we have all felt with Dayn’s passing.
I mentioned in another post that I no longer think I will get a call from Costa Rica, saying he is alive and well, surfing up a storm and bringing joy to those around him. Yeah, that magical thinking is gone.
What happened to me in that therapy session was intense and a trip back into the hell of those days after his death. Eyes closed but mind awake I went back to his place, up the stairs, through the gateway into a house filled with loneliness, bitter cold, desperation and hopelessness. Seeing how my brother had been living up until the final hours and minutes of his sweet and secluded life has made its mark on my heart permentelly. The feelings that I had going into that place were immediate guilt and sorrow –
that I had let him down. I had abandoned him – I had not done enough.I know many people have felt similarily..this is what happens with death and especially suicide. Dayn’s suicide is the 5th suicide in my life. I know these thoughts well – and of course there is nothing that anyone of us could really do. We were powerless – his choice, his timing, his decision and yes, his death. I know we all tried our best, some of us stayed on the phone with him long after we had wanted/needed to get off (God what I would do for another phonecall!)
However, the feelings of just how sad and lonely he was continue to affect me, haunt me and in a way, keep me grounded. This is what happened to me in that therapy session – I could go back to those minutes before entering his place and go back to the minutes and hours of being in his place, talking to him, cleaning up, making things a bit more “livable” maybe is the word. I’m not sure – I just know that no one deserves to live like that. No one needs to get to that place of desperation and hopelessness. Let this be my lesson to reach out more, return phone calls, and spend more time with those I love.
