Welcome to the 1st Step

Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 1:
We admitted we were powerless over others that our lives had become unmanageable.

Co-Dependents Anonymous Promise 1:
I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

So, welcome to the 1st step! I seem to find myself referring back to both the step and the promise at least once or twice a week, if not daily depending on what is happening in my life.

Here are some exercises to get you into the 1st step:
1. What does the 1^st Step mean to you? Try not to edit or over-analyze yourself, just write.
2. Make a list of 10 people you’ve tried to control. Put a brief example or two next to each one.
3. Make a list of people who you let control you. Again, give an example or two next to each.
4. What does unmanagibility look like? In what ways is your life unmanageable today?
5. I am powerless over others. What does this mean to you? How does this relate to you in your life today?
6. List all the ways you try to control in your life.
7. Who do you want or "need" to "figure out"?

Things to ponder while working on the 1^st step:
What keeps you in unmanageable relationships? Why do you stay?
How do you allow your boundaries to be crossed in this relationship on a
daily basis?
What about this relationship keeps you out of integrity?
What is integrity to you? What does it mean? Look/feel like?
What about your unmanageable relationships make you feel good?
What is working and what is not?

Try the following:
Say the serenity prayer and dissect it as you are saying or writing it..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change:
(what are some of the things you cannot change? See if you can write down one big one).
The courage to change the things I can: (write down one or two things you
can change).
And the wisdom to know the difference: (write down what the differences are)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I Go To Coda

I go to Coda..I've been going for almost two and a half years! I used to have a stigma about Coda/co-dependents blah blah blah..but I was sick, my soul was dying, I was a shadow of my self, and as a last ditch effort, I went.

And I am so happy and grateful that I did. About 18 months in, a young woman asked me to be her sponsee..and thus our killer friendship began! It's like being a mentor (I am 16 yrs older than her) and I get so much out of the relationship!
We meet weekly, send emails back and forth to one another and becasue I am a bit on the quirky side, I send her song lyrics often.

Certain songs speak to me, speak to that place in me that needs a bit of attention, sunshine and warmth. Certain lyrics, guitar strumming, drum rolls - these become my higher power, these become my connection to the universe, the ocean, the deliciousness of life!! I could go on and on...
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Upon sending her the lyrics to "Blue Light"by Bloc Party I wrote:

"These songs are just KILLING me..I mean, like fucking Oxygen!
Like water..like pure love joy the best sunset you have ever witnessed!
I am So glad you love them too! "

"Blue Light"

You'll find it hiding in shadows
You'll find it hiding in cupboards
It will walk you home safe every night
It will help you remember

If that's way it is
Then that's the way it is

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling

You are the bluest light

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Characteristics of Codependency

Characteristics of Codependency

The following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours